"Not bad meaning bad but bad meaning GOOD!" - justin_guber

"Not bad meaning bad but bad meaning GOOD!"

- I think that's the quote. A line from a Beastie Boys song from the Licensed to Ill album. Might have been 'No Sleep Till Brooklyn'.

Sometimes, shit is a thing of beauty. Sometimes, some things are immortal for their inherent shite-ness. Like New Kid On The Block's "Step By Step". Did you see the music video? But in all its crapiness is a certain kitsch, harking back to happier, more innocent times, when the 'running man' was the dance move to end all dance moves, and a hair cut with 'short back and sides' took on a whole new meaning.

The same goes for movies. Especially movies. There's something wonderful about really bad movies which make them really good. And thanks to badmovies.org, where you can download wav files, pics and mpegs as well as read reviews of these horrors, those moments will forever live on long after they've been deleted from the stock lists of video stores across the globe. Just click on the pic's or bold bits below to be whisked away to its own site. Enjoi:

"Drop that zero and get with the hero"
Just like NKOTB, Vanilla Ice was also a staple of the early nineties, a period forever immortalized by insanely baggy tapered silk trousers, over-exagerated dance moves, and the evolution of the big hair of the eighties: the high-top.

Now, as much as it's easy to hate the fucker, you have to admit that 'Ice Ice Baby' was a kickass pop song (calling it a hip-hop song would be an insult to hip-hop and everything it has tried so hard to accomplish. Namely big booty women in thongs and 22 inch rims), and along with the other white boys with high-top haircuts, the girls were a-swooning.

Still, I don't see why it warrants a movie as fucked as this. Vanilla Ice is a bad motherfucker with a posse on motorbikes who arrive in a small town and proceed to bust-a-move, showing the white community that hip-hop rocks. Or something. Throw in some preppy bullies and some kind of witness protection storyline which really wasn't necesarry, and you have a cinematice masterpiece worthy alongside such reknown hip-hop celluloid moments as 'Wild Style'.

Or not.

"I'm gonna let them know that Dolemite is my name, and fucking up motherfuckers is my game!"
From wannabes to the real deal. This is Dolemite, motherfucker. Rudy Ray Moore, pimp-daddy supreme, released from prison by the warden himself to take care of an evil pimp (since when we're pimp's fine examples of moral society to begin with?) together with his Karate-kicking ho's.

No, seriously.

Unlike other classic Blaxploitation movies, this one was different. In this one, the boom mic was a member of the cast.

But in all it's badness, it has some of the most quotable lines and some of the coolest scenes in a seventies blaxploitation movie. Did Shaft have Karate-trained ho's? No. Did Sweet Sweetback rip an evil pimp's heart out with his bare hands? No. Did either rap? Fuck no.

And that's one of the main reasons Rudy Ray Moore has an iconic place in history. Many people (well, one. My American friend American Badass Dave, who showed me this movie) have said that this is where rap began, with Dolemite's rhyming style, standing in the middle of parking lots boasting Ali style to anyone who'd listen. Ali only ever did four lines. This motherfucker does verses n' shiiiit.

It's also got one of the coolest lines I can remember in a blaxploitation movie: "Man move over and let me pass 'fore they have to be pulling these hush puppies out your motherfuckin' ass!"

A close second to another favorite line from the movie: "You rat-soup eatin' honky MOTHERFUCKER!"

Both lines are available to download as wav files.

"I kick arse for the Lord!"
Braindead, or DeadAlive as it's called in certain parts of the globe, is one of those films I discovered late at night during a sleepover at my friend Izzy's place when we were both young 'uns in Goldersgreen with nothing much to do except play basketball and listen to Snoop. There's nothing like that first feeling of "what in the name of FUCK is this?!" when viewing this film.

And it's by the same guy that did Lord of the Rings.

That's right. Peter Jackson. Before he went all grand-scale, Mr. Jackson was making rather horrific movies in his place of origin. Bad Taste was one. Braindead was another.

And what can you expect from Braindead? How about hybrid rat made from evil rats that raped monkeys? What about said rat biting an old and bitter woman, turning her into a zombie? What about said zombie eating a dog? Or a priest who knows kung-fu, beating the shit out of zombies? Or the reluctant hero, the mother's son, killing off the zombies with a lawnmower? Or zombie sex? Or a baby zombie? Or zombie innards?

I have to admit, the first time I watched it, there were a few times when my stomach was seriously queesy, but you get used to it, and by the end, after the mother has mutated into a super-zombie, all you can do is root for the hero and hope he gets the girl. Make no mistake, this movie kicks supreme ass.

"Come get some."

I would write a whole load about Evil Dead, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness, but if you don't know about this trilogy of superbly executed frightfest/slapstick comedies you have not lived.

Then, there are the movies I haven't seen, but look terribly terrible none-the-less:

"Do you Mary Contrary Hubbard take this man, Jack Nimble Junior, to be your husband, to love and cherish and give him a lot of fun?"

Babes in Toyland: Keannu Reeves. Drew Barrymore. Pat Morita. And a shit-load of muppets.

"We're running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian."

Jesus Christ, Vampire Slayer: Literally. Starring no-one interesting.

"I... have... the POWER!"

Masters of the Universe: As a child I waited for this movie. As an adult, after seeing a few clips, I am glad my father never let me.

There's plenty more at badmovies.org, so get a clicking and discover the wonderful world of poop.

3.11.04 13:07

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To date 4 Comment(s) TrackBack-URL

(3.11.04 13:25)
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. One of the all time great movies. The bar scene with the band & the mirrors lol.

(4.11.04 07:53)
Holy shiite! This movie is still actually available? Wonder if it's on Amazon...

Jon Price / Website (30.11.04 13:22)
The line "Not bad meaning bad but bad meaning GOOD!" is actually from Run-D.M.C.'s Peter Piper. Like many other Run-D.M.C. lines and samples, I'm sure it shows up in some Beasties' track - although for the life of me I can't find a reference online just now.

(1.12.04 07:21)
Thanks, man! I've been trying to figure that one out for awhile. My main memory of Peter Piper is the kick ass intro verse.